Dollar General Adventures

While doing laundry on Saturday I noticed I was short a few hangers and decided to drive over to the Dollar General beside the Fellini Kroger. I walked in and it was the normal scene which evokes memories of a bar scene from the Star Wars movies.

I walk in and locate the hangers with the help of a friendly worker which should have been surprising enough. As I walk to the check out line I notice a very rough couple tearing in to the packaging of cell phone charger while the cashier nervously watched. It is important to note that the woman was wearing a white airbrushed Pink Panther t-shirt that had never seen detergent let alone bleach and ankle socks. That's right. She had taken the time to put on socks but no shoes. They then asked, "Can we take this out to our car and see if it works before we buy it?" She gave a look that said what the hell so they asked if she could test in the store. She complied and they bought it and went on their way. Not as soon as that was over a man behind me throws a Rubbermaid storage container on the container and I hear "Think 'iss' is big enough to fit a body in?" I lose it and start laughing out loud and turn around to see who said this. As I turn around I immediately quit laughing because it is another jean short clad man in a black tank top, with about 20 tattoos that looked like someone grabbed a handful of the most random shit tattoos ever designed and threw them at his body in a hurricane. I then hurriedly paid for my hangers and drove home wanting to call my parents to thank them for letting me not become a weird ass citizen unaware of social norms.

The Golden Corral of Ass

My first thought when seeing this was, "Holy shit. Please don't move so I can take your picture." The immediate one after that was, "How do you not feel 20 yards of fabric shoved up the crack of your ass?" Never in the history of wedgies has one ass tried to consume so much fabric. Which I really don't get because it looks well fed and also looks like it sustained some hail damage in the recent storms.

Is there a point when there is so much fat in the body that it overcomes the nerve endings?

At least it was organic.

Judging by his size I would say two things. The first being that it doesn't seem like it would take much convincing to get him to eat anything and the second being I am sure that has to be the healthiest thing he has eaten in years.

How about tappin' Hooked On Phonics instead of the Rockies?

Me and my friend Morgan stumbled across this act of dumbassery at a friends wedding a few months ago. This particular entry stupefies me because Coors Light is one of the top 3 largest beers in America and with spelling like this I am sure the guy has to be drinking mass amounts of it on the front porch of his trailer. I guess I could probably dismiss his spelling of it because Coors hasn't saturated the NASCAR market as much as Budweiser. I could only imagine how incorrectly the shit for brains redneck would misspell Budweiser.

Got Beads?

Here is a lady who was persistent that a band at the music festival in Asheville, NC called Bele Chere sign her stomach. After much persistence she acquired two signatures then turning to me asking for mine as well. HELL NO!! Notice the shirt has the appropriate saying "Got Beads?" Let's just say the shirt level didn't stop there.

White Trash and Vampires

I wish I had had a camera for this post because it was one of the better conversations I have heard in a while. It took place in an unnamed parking lot in the Southern United States and went something like this.

"I am finally gettin my ring after five years. Yeah he's gettin me the exact replica of what Bella had in Twilight. He was hintin that he was going to get the $3500 one. I told him not to fool with it. I don't see any sense in diamonds no how. And you know the $35 one is still cast in real yellow gold"

I know this is a deviation from the usual blog postings, but I couldn't resist not putting this up. The fact I hear conversations and see people like I do is making me start to question where I hang out. Pictured is the $34.99 replica ring in "real yella gold".

Hook Up Ready

You got to love a girl who is so easy and optimistic that she comes to the bar ready to hook up in her pajamas. At that point do you even need to deal with the small talk or try to buy her a drink or just cut the crap and get to the point?